Snakes on a Falcon
by Odie-Wan Kenobi
Summary: Darth Vader puts a mysterious crate on the Falcon just before Han Solo is supposed to pick up Jedi Master Yoda from Dagobah. Based on the upcoming movie that some of us can't believe is actually being made.
1. Chapter 1

Darth Vader took a long, deep breath and studied the large crate that had been placed before him.

It looked ordinary to him. It was a large crate, and whatever was in it must've been of at least some value, since Vader could see that it had many locks.

Still, there nothing special about, as far as he could tell anyway. But his master, Emperor Palpatine, said it was crucial in their quest of destroying the Rebel Allience, once and for all.

"Master", said Vader. "May I trouble you with a question?".

"Certainly, Lord Vader", said Palpatine softly. "What is it?".

Vader decided to get to the point right away.

"What is so unique about this crate, my master?", he asked.

Palpatine's lips curled, the way they did whenever something especially evil had come to his mind, which was quite often.

"Ah, Lord Vader", he said. "This crate is crucial in our quest to destroy the Rebel Allience, once and for all!".

"I know that, my master", said Darth Vader. He paused and took a deep breath. "But that doesn't answer my question!".

"And you'll learn the answer soon enough!", Palpatine snapped. "Now, I've told you what to do with this crate! No more questions from you!".

Vader could tell that Palpatine wouldn't give him the answer, and that there was no point in asking him again.

"Forgive me, my master", said Darth Vader. "Now, on the subject of what to do with your secret weapon, I am wondering how I am to get it past Captain Solo".

"That idoit pilot?", said Palpatine, sounding disgusting. "You're actually worried about him? Be at peace, Lord Vader. He will give you no trouble".

Palpatine's lips curled once more.

"I would assume that you are not worried that he will just toss it off of his ship the moment he sees it, my master?", said Vader.

"Not one little bit", said Palpatine, his lips still curled. "He's far too stupid to even take notice of such a thing!".

"If you say so, my master", said Darth Vader. "So, when do you want me to do it?".

Palpatine's lips were curled wider than ever.

"Now", he said.

And with that, four Stormtroopers marched in, picked up the crate, and walked away with it in their arms.

"You will lead them to Han Solo's ship", said Palpatine. "And you will make sure that they get it on there _safely_".

"As you wish", said Lord Vader.

"And remember", said Palpatine. "Whatever happens, _make sure that the crate remains shut when you put it on the ship!"._

"Yes, master", replied Lord Vader, and he went off to do as he was ordered.


	2. Chapter 2

"Remind me again how you killed Jabba the Hutt?", said Han Solo for the fourth time since they had escaped from the gangster's palace.

"Like I said, I strangled him with my chain", said Leia. "What, is that hard for you to believe?".

"Why, as a matter of fact, it is!", said Han. "People have been trying to kill Jabba the Hutt for years. They've tried shooting him, stabbing him, attempting to blow him up. Yet he's always managed to survive".

"Until now", said Leia, smiling.

"Captain Solo", said C-3P0, who was still hanging by a magnet at the bottom of the ship. "Would you tell master Luke to please see about getting me up there with all of you? I do fear that I am not comfortable flying while upside-down".

"Well, complain about it to your domed friend", said Han Solo. "I still can't see that well".

_Beep-beep-boop-boop!_, said R2-D2.

"Really, R2, that is very rude of you to say!", said 3P0. "Very rude indeed!".

"What'd he say?", asked Luke, grinning a boyish grin as usual.

"He said that Han Solo's a damn stupid asshole and that I really shouldn't bother asking him favors!", said 3P0.

"I always knew that thing had a potty mouth!", said Han, frowning. "And I'm not stupid!".

"Here, 3P0, I'll get you up", said Luke, boyish grin firmly in place as he pushed a button to lift the magnet.

"Oh, thank you, Master Luke", said 3P0 when Luke lifted him into the ship. "Thank you so very much! I do enjoy being on my feet! Thank you so much!".

"So, what do we do now?", Leia asked Luke after 3P0 had shut up.

"I go back to Dagobah to complete my training with Master Yoda", said Luke.

"You mean you didn't finish it?", Leia asked. "We went though all that without you, and you didn't even complete your training?".

"Look, I had to rescue you! I knew you were in danger!", Luke said, remembering now that he left with Yoda and Ben begging him to stay.

"Well, for the record, we weren't in need of rescuing", said Han.

"You weren't?", Luke asked.

"I was being sarcastic, kid", said Han, waving his hand in the air at who he thought was Luke, but was actually Chewy.

"Oh", said Luke, who didn't understand sarcasim at all.

While Han Solo, Luke Skywalked, Princess Leia, Chewy, Lando, C-3P0 and R2-D2 continued to chat, argue and (in the case of Lando and Chewy) get into a huge fistfight, Darth Vader still hadn't completed his mission for the emperor.

"Where did Captain Solo park his stupid battleship", Darth Vader wondered outloud as he flew around the galaxy in his way cool TIE-Fighter. "Maybe it got destroyed".

"Sir, we've been searching for hours, and our computers haven't detected any traces of Han Solo's spaceship", said a Stormtrooper via radio.

"Hmmmmm", said Darth Vader, taking a long, thoughtful deep breath. "How is that possible?".

"Maybe it's because we didn't turn our ships' computers on this morning", another Stormtrooper suggested.

"That's possible", said Darth Vader, nodding his head. "Maybe it's because--WHAT!".

"What, what?".

"What, what nothing, Lord Vader said 'what' first", said the other Stormtrooper, laughing.

"ENOUGH! YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS!", Darth Vader roared, losing his temper and firing two homing missles at the Stormtroopers' ships.

"Aaaahhhhhhh!", screamed one Stormtrooper.

KA-BOOM!

"Noooooooooooo!", screamed the other.

KA-BOOM!

Feeling better now, Darth Vader continued to search the galaxy for Han Solo's elusive ship when a lightbulp appeared above his head (but not literally, of course).

"Why didn't I think of it before? I should search my home planet!".

And if people could see through Darth Vader's mask, they would've seen him smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hmmmmmm", said Master Yoda on the lonely planet of Dagobah. "Sense that young Skywalker will return soon, I do".

"Master Yoda", said Ben Kenobi's ghost, appearing before him suddenly. "Are you sure that Luke needs more training?".

"Answer that question later, I will", snapped Yoda. "For now, get out of my outhouse, you must!".

"Sorry", said Ben Kenobi's ghost, vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"Annoying, these Jedi ghosts can be", Yoda grumbled to himself.

When he was finished in his outhouse (and don't you just love the sophisticated humor of this story?), Yoda went into his hut, where Ben Kenobi's ghost was waiting for him.

"Here, why are you?", Yoda asked as he closed the wooden door of his hut.

"Master Yoda, it's Luke. I believe that he is ready to face Vader on his own".

"Hmmmmm", said Yoda, closing his eyes. "A bold statement, that is".

"And I don't like it one damn bit", said Mace Windu's ghost, appearing suddenly on Yoda's sofa.

"Why is that, Master Windu?", asked Yoda, wishing that he had a door that kept Jedi ghosts from just entering his house any time they pleased.

"I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi", said Mace Windu, his eyebrows (wait, does he have eyebrows?) narrowing.

"Ah, a plan that already happened, you must sense", Yoda said simply.

"No, Master Yoda. I've been getting signs. Bad feelings. I sense a plot to destroy you and young Skywalker. The boy I'm not so worried about, but you, you must be protected".

"Ah, more important it is for the boy to live than for me to die", said Yoda. He paused. "No, wait, important it is for the boy to live, more important than it is for him to die. No, not right, that is. Dead the boy should be, no, dead he SHOULDN'T be--"

"I don't trust the boy!", Mace Windu interupted. "And your whole muppet grammer has gotten old after nine hundred years".

"This distrust of boy, because of his father, is it?", Yoda asked, ignoring Mace Windu's insult.

"Yes!", said Mace Windu. "His father killed me! Because of him, I hafta live my entire afterlife with one arm missing! I should've sensed it. I should've killed him and Palpatine when I had the chance!".

"Enough of this",. Yoda said. "Shut up about the boy's father, or call the Ghostbusters, I will".

"Oh, I used to love those movies when I was alive", Ben Kenobi sighed.

"Look, the point is, I think that the emperor knows that you're still alive", said Mace Windu, collecting himself. "I think that he has a special plot to kill you and the boy and at the same time!".

Yoda closed his eyes again. "Sense nothing, I do", he said finally, after meditating for what could've taken five fanfiction chapters.

"Do you not think that you're just paranoid?", said Ben Kenobi, patting Mace Windu on the knee.

"You're both fools!", said Mace Windu. "Darth Sidious is clouding your minds!".

Then Mace Windu was gone.

"I'll go and reason with him.", said Ben Kenobi, getting up and walking out Yoda's door, which was stupid of him, since he could've just vanished. "We'll talk about Luke later!".

Yoda closed his eyes again, thinking about Mace Windu's theory.

"If know I'm still alive, Palpatine does, than know where I am, he may also", he said. "Leave Dagobah, I must!".


	4. Chapter 4

Darth Vader landed his super cool TIE Fighter on the sands of his home planet.

He took a deep breath. It felt weird to be back here again.

"I hate sand", he said to himself.

A message was coming through on his communications device. It was from Palpatine.

"Answer the call", Darth Vader told his computer.

The scratchy image of his master suddenly appeared.

"Lord Vader", Palpatine's voice hissed. "I will assume by now that you have found Han Solo's ship".

"No, my master", said Darth Vader, puting his head down. "But I can sense that I am getting close to it".

"You'd better be!", Palpatine said, his eyes hardening. "That crate you have is very important. It must be placed on General Solo's ship ASAP!".

"General?", Darth Vader said, looking puzzled (wait a minute, he had a mask on! Scratch that last sentence!).

"I have foreseen the future", whispered Palpatine, looking very proud of himself. "Han Solo has been rescued from Jabba the Hutt by his friends, including your son, Luke Skywalker. Solo will soon be named a General by that pathetic Rebel Allience! And he will soon get a message. From a very old friend of Skywalker's".

Palpatine's lips curled into a smile so huge, Vader wondered for a minute if he secretly worked for Wal-Mart.

"A very old friend, Master?", Vader asked, still looking puzzled, even though he was wearing a mask.

"Yes", said Palpatine. "A _very _old one".

"_You _are you going to send him a message?", Vader asked.

"Of course not!", snarled Palpatine. "I am no friend of Skywalker's!".

"But you're a friend of me", said Darth Vader, smiling.

Palpatine opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it. Then he opened it again, started to say something, but didn't. Then he opened it a third time and belched loudly. Vader could feel the Force reacting as he did so.

"I can't say much about their shooting skills, but those Stormtrooper chefs can make one helluva grilled chicken sandwhich", Palpatine said, smacking his lips.

"That's nice, master", said Darth Vader, who hadn't eaten anything in more than twenty years.

"Anyway, get that crate on Solo's ship!", the emperor demanded for, like, the third time in this story. "Time is running out!".

"Yes, Master", said Darth Vader as the image of Palpatine faded away.

Vader looked around. Since there wasn't much on Tatooine (or however you spell that planet's name!) but sand, sand, sand, sand, Jabba the Hutt, sand and more sand, he could see pretty far from where he was standing.

"That looks like a ship parked in the distance", he said to himself. "It could be the one I'm searching for".

Darth Vader went to the back of his TIE Fighter, opened the trunk, and pulled out his super cool Sith Bike.

"Now", said Vader. "The time has come for me to lift that crate of the emperor's".

Darth Vader rolled up his sleeves (revealing his mechanical arms) and, for the first time ever, touched the crate which Palpatine had given him in the first chapter.

Instantly, he sensed something.

"Life forms", he said outloud. "Hundreds of them".

Whatever Palpatine had in this thing, Vader was certain it wasn't friendly.

He put the box on his Sith Bike, climbed into the driver's seat, and sped off towards the ship he had seen earlier.

"I have found it!", Vader could see in a few minutes. "Captain Solo's prized ship!".

He parked his bike next to it ("The nice thing about this planet is there are no damn parking meters!), and put his helmet against the ships wall. He concentrated.

"No one is aboard", he said finally.

He lifted the crate, opened the door of the _Falcon _with help from the Force, and walked inside.

"What a piece of junk!", he exclaimed.

He stomped his feet around the floor, trying to find the hidden compartment that the emperor had mentioned.

"This is it!", he said after three hours of searching.

He opened the compartment. There was a skelaton inside ("What does THAT mean?!"), along with a few comic books. Slowly, he lowered the crate into the one place in the ship that Han Solo was certain the Empire didn't know about.

Darth Vader took a deep breath.

"The time has come", he said, and pushed the button on top of the crate before closing the compartment.

As he left the ship, Vader could sense his son in the distance.

"My work here is done", he said as he got on his Sith Bike. "The rest is in the crate's hands".

What Vader didn't know was that the creatures inside that crate didn't have any hands at all.


End file.
